How do I do it? 

Whatever is necessary for each situation ahead of me is given to me ahead of time. Quite often, I will clearly see Gods hand in how things have been prepared for me to go into the situation the easiest way. 

For instance, I’m sitting in the hospital emergency room waiting room at this moment. About 15 minutes before I called the paramedics for help, the neighbor’s grandson had finished plowing our driveway that had 10 inches of wet, tightly packed snow. God knew we would need the driveway plowed at a certain time. We had been waiting all day for the plow to come and we began to wonder after it got dark if the plow would come at all, despite our neighbor’s promise. 

But that plow came. And the driveway was clear for the quick help that I needed. My vein popped and blood squirted everywhere before I even realized it was happening. There’s no pain, only my fear because of my abuse history as a child. My fear is giving way to calm moment by moment. 

God has put me and my family in the right place at the right time quite consistently. He has orchestrated a perfect timing for each event, and I have most recently learned how to hear the rhythm and let it lull my anxiety and restlessness. 

God has consistently provided in ways I can see him do it, and that has helped me trust more. I have prayed to see him, to feel him, for him to be real with skin and bones and what my heart has always wanted. 

He has given me all of this and turned my world upside down to do it. 

That is how I see what he wants me to do. That’s how I hear what I’m to say and to think and to hold on to. Yes, it’s the same as what I have read over and over in the Bible but the illustrations are different now. It was black and white before and now it’s 4D IMAX in color. 

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How do I do? Versus How Don’t do? How am I able to act in these situations? How is my talk turned into doing? What propelled me and moves me to do what I do? 

I can’t imagine being satisfied or feeling completely fulfilled with a different alternative. Saying no or stopping myself from acting in these situations seems painfully absurd. 

God has made me and shaped me and planted in me in such a way that this is how I work. To go against my wiring, my deep longings, my place where I connect the best with people and God—that would be foolish. I’m drawn to this like a magnet. 

If I don’t feel or see such strong connection or conviction regarding a situation, I just wait and it gets clear in time. Typically it’s not too long and I know what to do. What is foggy gets clear because I see what the situation is and who I am and how it comes together. 

How do I know? 

I’ve lived a good while now. There are some things I’m good at and I’ve had some experiences. I’ve spent a lot of time figuring myself out. I’ve also spent a bunch of time figuring out relationships and other people.  I put the work in. I put the time in. Now I know. 

I do because I care. I give a damn. Certain things make a huge difference to me and I tell people about it. I do things because I’m not afraid to live out of the box. I am comfortable redrawing the lines. I’m excited to go where someone is at and find a way to get where they want and need to go. I focus on the journey, the process, the everyday things, each step of every day. That’s wa we how my mind thrives. 

There is no one way. I understand that there are ways that are honoring God and other ways that are outside of that, but I am more in tune with the ends than the means needed to get there. To build trust, you have to walk where people are. That can mean hearing and seeing things that some people see as compromises. I’m not afraid of those, because I know when I’m there I am looking at the person through the “sin” or “questionable” thing in order to build the relationship with me and God. It’s gray, yes it’s gray I get it. It’s a judgment call. But I boldly go into that because of the person in there already. 

I’m not afraid to get messy. I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty. Not put off by what is different or strange or unusual for most. Rather I find comfort and even excitement in the face of all of this. I’m thrilled to be surrounded by these familiar aspects of life that cause horror, shock, and disgust in a lot of folks. It’s the muck and the mire and I know the way out. It might not be the exact way I took last time but I know the way out and I’ve got that person. I’m with that person. It’s time to go! 

Maybe it’s like Harriet Tubman and the Underground Railroad. She knew how to bring people to a chance for freedom. It wasn’t easy at all, but the promise and hope still held strong in the face of fear and danger.